My vegetable garden, made with such love and care a couple of years ago is now a meadow. Taming it will be a job for next year I think, but I’m not sure I want to. There is a little growing however – since creating a permanent run for the chickens rather than having them loose in the garden (chicken poop + toddler didn’t seem like a good combination) I’ve been able to plant a few things at the back door and not have the pots acting as dust baths five minutes later. Its just strawberries and herbs, but its a start. Alana pointed excitedly at the one red strawberry today, hopefully next year she’ll have her own little plot.
And for the first time, the apple tree we planted after Charlie died is covered in little fruits. I can’t find many more words about that today, but seeing Alana’s little clothes hanging from the line beside his tree is a little bittersweet.
Alana started off as a wonderful night-time sleeper. Like many mothers, I vividly remember hovering my hand on her chest at 4am, just to make sure that she was still ok. Could she really still be asleep? She slept like that for 5 days back in the summer but since then life has been too exciting. There is too much to see and marvel at and for Alana, sleep gets in the way. Its fine. I really believe that many people have totally unrealistic expectations for baby and toddler sleep. They’re babies. It’s what they do, and what they need. And as much as I miss sleeping through the night, the extra nighttime cuddles are fine by me too. Things have improved recently though, exactly at the same time as she decided that walking round and round and round the living room is an Important Task that must be done.
I think we adapt too, a couple of years ago being woken at 5am would have seemed like torture, but now its just when the day starts. Usually I’m pretty awake. Alana certainly is. That’s not to say that I don’t cling to my vat of tea, blearily pottering about (ok, cleaning) the kitchen while my babe runs about in her walker with total delight that she is awake! mama is awake! she has things to say! dada dada! wow wow wow! MA! MA! You get the idea… I love it.
Pictures were taken a little later once daylight arrived. This is Scotland, after all. But the mornings are getting lighter and it won’t be long before we are outside first thing, watering my yearly (and always failing) attempt at tomato plants, feeding chickens and hanging out washing. And this year I’ll have a little helper with me, marvelling at it all.
Wow. It’s been a while. When you struggle to even login to your own blog and when you do, everything looks different, you know its definitely been a while.
I miss writing here. Instagram has taken pretty much taken over but I’d love to appear back here more too, we’ll see.
So now we have a one-year old. I still can’t quite believe it, and how lucky we are. Today Alana, Penny and I took a walk in the bright sunshine and we passed the post that I remember clinging to during the first contraction of labour. After days of analysing every twinge I took Penny for our daily walk and not far from home the first one came, and it was a big one. I clung, panting, to the post but somehow didn’t think much of it, and when it had passed continued to walk Penny alone through the woods for more than 2 miles, stopping to grab onto tree trunks the whole way round. Looking back now that doesn’t seem like the most sensible thing. But at the time it seemed totally natural and the right thing to do, almost like my body knew that I’d be about to spend a week in hospital and that I was going to need the fresh air. I remember really wanting to be outside that day.
I find myself thinking back to those days, and my labour in particular so often. I wonder if that’s normal. It feels sometimes like I obsess over every detail. I wonder if its because I’m still so overjoyed that our baby is here I’m scared I’ll forget something about her arrival. I might write out her birth story one day (not here!) and see if that helps.
As if it was even possible, I find myself more and more thankful each day. Alana is full of smiles and laughter and joy at everything. Every moment with her feels like the greatest moment ever. She has started to walk with hand-holding support and yesterday we tottered about the garden and she watched as I fed the chickens with a look of wonder on her little face. I walked her over to the henhouse and she bent over to stroke them as they fed. She was so gentle (and unlike the way she is with people often!), she just seemed to know that these were creatures.
At 8.05am today I was up, getting my girl dressed, and thinking about how at that exact moment three months before, her little body was pulled out and suddenly appeared on my chest. How can it be three months already? In some ways it seems like I’ve known her much longer, and I suppose I have. She started kicking and pounding me back in September and thankfully never stopped.
I still feel like the luckiest mama in the world. Obviously I am biased, but I am in awe that we made something so beautiful and perfect. I grew a person…the human body is so amazing it blows my mind. But then I am still amazed by the telephone…
Alana is such a good baby, and a good night-time sleeper, now. She smiles at everyone, especially older people and laughs at our silly faces. She likes to move and dance and chatter away to us. I feel like she’ll be an early talker, she will have a conversation with anything. She loves to look at the books we read to her, and splash me in the bath. So far I’ve only found three things she objects to – the baby seat trolleys in the supermarket, being squirted in the face with milk, and putting her arms in jackets. That all seems reasonable to me.
And because lots of people asked on twitter, yes, the quilt is handmade. The pattern is Storytime Squares Quilt by Made by Rae. Fabric is lots of random bits. Cardigan is ravelled here.
How can it be Friday already? It’s been a good week, and what feels like a productive one. Alana is sleeping well at night so I no longer hunt and hope for a afternoon nap, and a nice daytime routine is forming. The weather is lovely today so we took Penny for a surprise lunchtime walk. Its so nice to be on these same paths as always, pass the same dog walkers and even walk past the tree I held onto while feeling the first contractions of labour. All is the same, but now there are three of us breathing the spring air. Walkers I haven’t seen for a while come rushing up to meet our girl and tuck money into her knitwear, a local tradition that I find bemusing, but sweet.
Friday is becoming a day of quiet here. I was thinking today about what how different it is, going from spending my days with only my pup, to having another tiny human at home and always with me. It’s a wonderful adjustment, but an adjustment all the same. And so we are enjoying it today, with baby naps and snuggles, and our new trick – feeding in the sling, on the move, and taking pictures of it at the same time! (the last photo). We’ve been trying it at home this week, and when Alana got thirsty on the walk, she just latched on and we kept on going. Penny was grateful, Alana (and her mama) were happy and none of the other dog walkers looked twice.
Few words today, Alana is having a post-nursing snooze in my arms. But I sewed this little dress up over the last couple of evenings. So sweet and lovely. As is her new dress.
She seems to find it (or something) funny. Today has been filled with grins and baby laughter, and some very contented napping. All is good.
Pattern is here, by Leila and Ben. I am on the hunt for more sweet baby sewing, so let me know if you have suggestions. And that was more words than I thought I’d manage!