outdoors play

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We headed outside today.  The vegetable garden is a bit like a time warp, exactly as I left it back in July when pregnancy symptoms were in full force and I was so scared that something, anything, could cause things to go wrong.  I remember so clearly this time last year, when I was venturing into the garden for the start of new season and being so unbearably sad that I was doing these little springtime tasks alone, rather than with the child that should have been there with me.  Of course this year it is all different.  Alana slept in her sling as I cleared away a few old pots and planted some seeds.  My vegetable gardening plans this year are pretty tame, just lots of potatoes and a few things in the greenhouse.  I think in the past I’ve been a bit ambitious and it all gets a bit overwhelming.  I hope she loves being outside as much as me.  I want to her know the smells, and the feel of the earth.  Is it selfish to hope that your children love the same things as you?  I want her to love what she loves too.

But anyway.  There are lots of dead vegetables.  Some gigantic weeds.  The kind so big that if you dig them out you leave a huge, clear patch of earth.  A couple of weeks ago we had some tall, wobbly trees cut back and my lovely inlaws have chopped and cleared the wood while we were up north.  The chickens are as cheeky as ever.  They gathered at the gate while we explored and I swear they were whispering excitedly to each other ‘the lady is back growing things, sure, the man build a new fence but we will find our way through!’  Sure enough, I turned and when I looked back Scarlet was pecking about on the wrong side of the fence.  I have no idea how she did it.  She looked pretty proud of herself, as if she just wanted to show me that she could.

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two plus one

Little Alana Charlotte finally arrived six weeks ago.  We are in love.  Her arrival took a very long time and was a little traumatic, but of course I’d go through it all again and many, many times worse to bring her home.  We were so well cared for during the days leading up to her arrival, and for the birth itself.  The names Donna, Karen and Jane will forever make me think of the wonderful women who helped Alana into our arms.  I still can’t believe she’s here, she is perfect.  Even the sleepless nights are awesome, mostly.  Insomnia kicked in early in my pregnancy, and now I have a tiny human to share the awake with.  We chatter and read stories and rock and sing back to sleepiness, and I feel grateful for every minute.

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Before she was born and I was blogging a little I was careful to keep mention of her separate, knowing how difficult sudden mentions of pregnancy on blogs that weren’t usually about such things can be for some, including me.  I’ve been thinking about how to go on from here, maybe to create a separate blog for motherhood posts but I’ve decided against it.  So much of my crafting now (and I am still crafting!) is for Alana that splitting things up would be hard.  But I do want to talk about our adventures together.

I know that some have found their way here because of similar journeys with loss.  No-one who has lost a child, or doesn’t have a child while wanting one, for whatever reason, wants to hear complaints about motherhood.  Negativity will not appear here.  Just as every niggling pregnancy symptom made me think ‘yay!, this means my baby is alive and growing!,’ every nappy change and cry has me thinking the exact same thing.  I am truly grateful for it all.  We feel so lucky.