Some pictures, just because I feel like it. I hope to find some words soon x
Wow. It’s been a while. When you struggle to even login to your own blog and when you do, everything looks different, you know its definitely been a while.
I miss writing here. Instagram has taken pretty much taken over but I’d love to appear back here more too, we’ll see.
So now we have a one-year old. I still can’t quite believe it, and how lucky we are. Today Alana, Penny and I took a walk in the bright sunshine and we passed the post that I remember clinging to during the first contraction of labour. After days of analysing every twinge I took Penny for our daily walk and not far from home the first one came, and it was a big one. I clung, panting, to the post but somehow didn’t think much of it, and when it had passed continued to walk Penny alone through the woods for more than 2 miles, stopping to grab onto tree trunks the whole way round. Looking back now that doesn’t seem like the most sensible thing. But at the time it seemed totally natural and the right thing to do, almost like my body knew that I’d be about to spend a week in hospital and that I was going to need the fresh air. I remember really wanting to be outside that day.
I find myself thinking back to those days, and my labour in particular so often. I wonder if that’s normal. It feels sometimes like I obsess over every detail. I wonder if its because I’m still so overjoyed that our baby is here I’m scared I’ll forget something about her arrival. I might write out her birth story one day (not here!) and see if that helps.
As if it was even possible, I find myself more and more thankful each day. Alana is full of smiles and laughter and joy at everything. Every moment with her feels like the greatest moment ever. She has started to walk with hand-holding support and yesterday we tottered about the garden and she watched as I fed the chickens with a look of wonder on her little face. I walked her over to the henhouse and she bent over to stroke them as they fed. She was so gentle (and unlike the way she is with people often!), she just seemed to know that these were creatures.
Finishing knits takes a little longer these days, and is likely to slow up even more now I’m back at work. But luckily Alana likes to sleep in the evenings, so after a few chores are done I usually manage to squeeze in a few stitches. I knit a little in between crocheting the odd granny square and looking in at our sleeping babe, and still not really believing how lucky we are.
I’m thinking of starting a new tradition. Springtime cardigans for our extended family’s little ones – four girls. This seems like a great plan when the oldest is just two and the littles still have no say in what they wear, but probably not so wise as they get bigger with opinions, and knitting involves a lot more yarn.
First up was a wee Liesl. Kindly modeled by my girl but actually for her little second cousin Emily who was born just ten days after Alana but quite early, though healthy thank goodness. It took less than one 50g ball of Sublime Baby Cashmere Merino Silk 4ply (yum).
Second was a Rock Rose for her other second cousin Shannon, a completely delightful almost 3 year old. She has a mother who loves handknits. A lovely little pattern which I came across thanks to the Ravelry advanced pattern search, knitted up in Pure Merino from James C Brett. I even enjoyed the bobbles. And the icord edging. Honestly.
I’m not quite sure why I feel like emerging from blog-hibernation at 5am on Christmas Day. Penny and I are curled up under blankets and quilts on the sofa listening to the wind raging outside. She is starting to look older, I”m just noticing. Little grey eyelashes and a sleepy look when she gets up to follow me. I feel like I want to take her for a walk in the wind but it won’t be daylight here for hours, so we snuggle.
Although only just beginning, this holiday is full of mixed feelings. We cancelled our plans to spend Christmas at my parents, something I had been looking forward to for weeks. The road kept being shut and with a forecast of very high winds and some snow we just couldn’t risk the trip. The thought of being stuck in a snowstorm in the mountains in our little car, or being blown off the road, or into something didn’t feel like a risk worth taking. And so I am trying to hide my disappointment surrounded by piles of presents for family I won’t get to see in person after all. For the second year in a row Christmas isn’t turning out as it was supposed to. But at the same time I am feeling incredibly grateful, that everyone with a waiting present is safe and warm and mostly healthy. None of us are alone, hungry, or scared. Everyone who we spent this time with in our home last year is still with us, and there is new life growing.
At 8pm last night I was able to call my gift knitting officially done for another year. Is it insane that I then almost cast on for a 2014 Christmas gift? Like many knitters I always have the intention of putting aside a gift or two a month, and why not start at the end of December? If things keep going as they are, in just 7 weeks my knitting time is going to be drastically reduced, so it seems smart to do what I can now. With a little selfish knitting thrown in – the first thing I did after finishing last night was to reach for my First Footing kit.
Right now with the wind howling I am tempted to bake. Our change of plan means we’ll spend a quiet Christmas morning in a largely undecorated and not-very-festive house. I think some nice smells will help. Later we’ll go round the corner to my lovely in-laws, and look forward to the arrival of more family tomorrow.
I am very aware that this time of year can be extremely difficult for some, especially when I think back to how I was feeling this time last year. If you are in that situation I hope you find a little quiet peace over the holidays. I hope we all find a little quiet peace. Much love to you all x
And just because lots of very kind people keep asking, things are still going fine, thank you x There was a brief worry last week but a little monitoring showed that everything was fine. Being pregnant after loss is so completely different. People keep asking me if I’m getting fed-up, or uncomfortable. But every single time I wake up choking with heartburn, or have to sit down for a rest my only thought is ‘I still have heartburn! I am tired! Yay! This is because our baby is still alive, and growing in the way it should!’ Being uncomfortable for this reason is so utterly delightful, and I will always, always be grateful.
Remember my lovely Levenwick? I pounced on the pattern seconds after I saw this design for the first time, and ordered my Shelter to knit it a few minutes later. On Thursday night though, we said goodbye.
I love the design, the yarn, and the making of it, but we never became close friends and I think I wore it only a handful of times. Some of the problems were fixable – it was too big and the buttons were in the wrong place. But its main issue I think was the colour – I bought the colour of yarn I loved at the time (and still do), with no thought whatsoever about whether it would suit me, and I don’t think it does.
Then, almost immediately after the ripping session I became the victim of a very strange mascara-allergy incident, which made my head try to explode and kept me awake all night. (Please – no sympathy – this is not a serious problem and has taught me that mascara that I’m allergic to does not belong inside my eyes.) So Friday was spent in bed, trying to hold my face together and get even just a little sleep…. It never happened, so I ignored all the warnings from my inner-knitter (16 wips, Saz, remember?!) and um, cast on something new.
All done in one sitting (but really kind of lying down), a Honey Crisp by Gudrun Johnston. Ravelled here. Lovely and satisfying to knit, and I’ve hardly taken it off since I finished it. And it is definitely my colour.
It was a lot of fun. I can’t seem to gather my thoughts to write much about it, but some highlights were Alcatraz, A Verb for Keeping Warm, eating lovely food, driving down the west coast and staying in Lucia, watching the LA Lakers, eating lovely food, staying in a stunning hotel suite in Vegas and getting my first manicure. And eating lovely food, again. Also – blue sky! sunshine! Lovely!